Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Arson
Try.
Try.
You can.
Try.
All in the mind.
All in the mind.
Try.
All in the mind.
Can.
Can’t.
Can.
Make up your mind.
Can’t.
Can.
Why?
Why not?
Shit.
Can't.
Spark.
Need it.
Stones.
Strike strike.
Spark.
Strike strike strike.
Bright sparks.
Dead tree.
Dead leaves.
Dry.
So dry.
Need them.
Stones.
Strike strike strike.
More sparks.
Gasoline.
Pour on leaves.
Pour on tree.
Strike strike.
Light.
Small fire.
Spread.
Big fire.
Burn.
Spread.
Faster.
Burn burn.
Why?
Don't know.
Don't care.
Just burn.
Screams.
Loud piercing screams.
Burn.
Spread.
Bigger fire.
More screams.
Run.
No.
Stay.
Yeah.
Stay.
Fire.
Bright hot fire.
Louder screams.
Boom.
Note To All:
relax.
it's just a story.
all fiction.
i just needed to let off some steam.
i'm still sane.
for now.
heh.
i'm at school.
music theory.
killing me.
shucks.
music theory book.
lighter.
tick tick,
boom.
haha.
it's all in the mind.
reminisced;
- 3:48 PM
Saturday, October 25, 2008
The Purplest Skies
issues from the past,
shadows from your eyes,
the world spins around a needle,
that puts the medicine in your sickness.
an old bird sings a song,
a sad song of goodbye,
the world melts away as you try to talk,
the sun fades and the twilight rises.
the smiles turn into doors,
that open to a world,
far away from you,
pieces of imaginaries skies,
rising above your eyes,
as your fingers fade away,
your pain is left behind.
burn me,
as you are cold.
the memories are far beyond,
our own mission is to drive below.
i don’t feel like loving you anymore,
i want to listen to your voice,
don’t leave this world behind,
my selfish self speaks tonight.
the life is recorded,
our skies are purple,
my world doesn’t melt,
yours is about to begin.
Note To Self:
you're getting stronger each day.
it's all in the mind, it's all in the mind.
you've got to stay strong, zakaria.
leave it all behind..
you can do this on your own.
you're fucking invincible now.
the past is past, tomorrow's a blast;
it's a fucking new beginning..
let's go!
reminisced;
- 12:00 PM
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Road
'cuz sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak,
and when you feel weak,
you feel like you wanna just give up.
but you gotta search within you,
you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you
and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter,
no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.
- eminem
note to self:
stay focus, zakaria.
no one can save you but yourself.
you are your own saviour,
your own driver on this course full of detours.
you make the decisions, dude..
either way, you just got to move on forward;
ain't no turning back.
maps are there all around you,
and they are those who really want to help.
use them, before you lose them..
oh, and dude,
in this course of yours,
dead ends don't exist.
reminisced;
- 12:34 PM
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Words Of A Book
note to a friend:
hmm.. thanks dude, for that long reply of yours. really appreciate it.. maybe now i know the truth..
okay.. actually i've figured out that "love without ownership" thing long ago, even before i met her. so i totally understand what you mean.. i can't deny that. it's just that when the old feeling, sumthin i haven't felt for a very long time, creeps in again, i tend to go over the barrier. it's my own fault, for being reckless.
what you said about that friendship thing, yeah, i agree. like i once wrote here in this blog, the flame of friendship lasts forever.
but i just want to set this straight: i'm not avoiding anyone here. please don't misinterpret my actions. true, actions speak louder than words, but sometimes we all have to give those words a chance to explain themselves. i do things for a reason. sometimes i just feel it's pointless to explain my actions. so yeah, you can call me unpredictable. oh and by the way, i have a really bad eye sight problem for your info. that's why i've always preferred sitting in front.
i know i have a lot to explain myself to you both, but i guess things are just better left as they are right now. perhaps my past/recent blog entries might provide you clues. actually if i could, i would tell the whole world what i'm feeling and thinking; just scream it out loud. but i admit i'm a poor talker, so i prefer to write. that's why i can really write a lot in text messages, cards, letters, diaries.. but i'm just not as chatty in person. it's just the way i am. sometimes i even wish i live in a world made of words, so i could explain myself more so people don't judge me easily. that's why i love reading fiction, 'cuz i could feel what the writer is trying to convey. so yeah, never judge a book by its cover..
and lastly, it's true i have other closer friends. but honestly, i hardly open up to anyone. you can ask her that. sometimes i even find it hard to blend in a group of bestfriends. that's sumthin about me that even i myself can't explain. and please, i'm not an anti-social. like a skateboard, i need that kick (or push, whatever you call it) to keep me going, or else i'll end up stalling in the middle of the road.
hmm.. i really appreciate to have friends like you guys. but i really can't force myself to clean up my own closet. it's a metaphor. it's tough. but i've never stop trying. so yeah.. hope these clear any misunderstandings. hit me back when you read these. cheers.
reminisced;
- 6:08 PM
The Exhaustion
Note To Self:
i can't sleep again.
still thinking.
hmmm..
many things yet to be attained..
my laptop still won't start.
school work's getting tougher.
more upcoming projects.
music theory test results kinda below expectation.
my bro's behaviour's getting out of hand.
my bad sleeping habits' getting worst.
introversion's creeping back in.
it's getting harder to socialize.
work.
withdrawal.
getting the house together.
i lack something.
i need something.
something expensive.
something hard to get.
something called a listening ear.
shit.
reminisced;
- 3:59 AM
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Bits And Pieces
"The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It’s in a million little pieces.
I’m afraid I can’t help you.
Why?
There’s nothing you can do.
Why?
It can’t be fixed.
Why?
It’s broken beyond repair. It’s in a million little pieces."
Moral Of The Story: Never seek counsel from an old man.
Heh. I just started reading James Frey's A Million Little Pieces today, when I came across those wise words in its prologue section. Yeah, it's true what he said, that nothing could fix something that's been broken into a million little pieces. Try mending a shattered mirror, or should I say shattered pieces of mirror; no matter how best you try, it just won't look the same as its original state. Well that young man in that story obviously has broken his own heart. Maybe it was his own fault for being so reckless in the game of love. Ergh.. So cheezy. Oh well, my point is, I don't quite agree with that old man. Nothing in this world is impossible. I believe that if we crave for something real bad, the whole universe conspires to help us get what we want. All we need to do is never stop believing. Yeah.. Some hard work and a wee pinch of faith does it all. It is what they call the miracles of life..
Some book taught me that. Heh. Deep, huh? It is what I call the magic of a book. Sweet..?
So school starts today. And... I was late for the fist lesson. Suprise suprise.. Actually I sort of expected that coming.. Hmmph.. Been getting really tired so easily nowadays. Work, I guess.. Those late nights brought new habits. Shucks.. I need a louder alarm clock now. And it's alright, I don't need a wake up call. Heh. Oh well.. Anyways, I got up around 10 plus, only to realize there's no hope for midi class. So I decided to do what I've been wanting to do.. Headed down to Peninsula and got myself married... Oooh.. Fina Fiona is her name. And I think Astoria doesn't mind the polygamy. Heh.. She's got a beautiful body, sweet neck, nice curves, and she's made in China. Hmmm..
Okay, maybe I'll next write a song about Astoria and the journeys we had. Soon.
I texted Jenny saying I couldn't work today. Quite last minute. But it isn't entirely my fault. I was too damn beat and it's my day off. And she shouldn't be messaging me during school time. So... After getting my eyes checked, I got myself useful and went ahead to accompany my mum and sis to Sun Plaza. Oh, and that bag is...shibby. Old school shibby. Heh.. Oh well..
Note To Self:
Sometimes I do wonder, why am I writting all these here? Like telling the whole world about what's been happening in my life every now and then. It's stupid. Yeah.. It's not like the world would respond, or even give a damn or sumthin.. But then when I wonder again, maybe it's not such a bad idea afterall.. 'Cuz maybe my purpose of doing this would be to leave a trace in my life. Perhaps leaving some clues behind. Who knows what might happen tomorrow.. It's like a detective novel, so full of motives around. I'm the author, and this is my book.
reminisced;
- 10:03 PM
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Embrace
First and foremost, I'd like to wish everyone Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Yeah, I know it's like the 4th day already now. But who cares. Heh. Well, as I expected, this year's celebration isn't as happening. No mood for house visits, no mood for firecrackers.. Hmmm.. And I only went out raya-ing with the whole family on the first day. Maybe I'm growing old for this. Haha.. I feel old. And that isn't a good thing. Hmmm... But at least I still had the mood to bake those cookies and help out with the food. Oh those lovely food...
First day of raya.. Hmmm.. Well, all I can say is that I'm grateful it happened. Put aside all ego, I came clean with him. I just had to raise the matter. And I'm really glad he understood. When we embraced, it was the best feeling one could ever have. I gave him my word, and it'll be sumthin' I'll hold onto forever; a son's oath.
Oh.. And as for them, heh.. Good thing there wasn't any trouble. That reunion at the first house turned out to be smooth. Still.. Hmmm.. I just don't get it how people could be such hypocritically good actors. Kudos to them.. Sheesh! Grow up, people! How do you clan expect us to feel secure, when you guys are being so cold towards us? And oh.. I still don't know if those tears were real.. Hmmm.. I just couldn't tell. It's just so hard to believe.
Hmmm.. Enough about them. I don't feel like giving a damn anymore. Adults you are, brains you have; use them you must, and respect you'll get.
Close topic.
Class time table for next semester is out. And I've decided. School, recreation and work can go together. Yup, it'll be tiring. But I just need to do it. I'm thinking long term now. I need a plan, and I've got it. I'll be a man on a mission. Yup. I don't want to depend solely on parents. I need to start organizing myself. 3 more months and I'll be 19. And that isn't a good number. Who knows, mum might be looking for suitors soon. Ergh.. Scary. By the way, a friend is married now. At 22?! Like 3 years older than me? Marriage is now officially a taboo word in my dictionary, besides NS.
Okay. 3 songs in the making. 1 almost complete, 2 under heavy construction. And haha.. I think I'm going to scrap the idea of that progressive mathcore song. It made me go cuckoo. Man, I was like going everywhere counting weird numbers with a metronome stuck in my head. I decided to just stick to melodic punk rock. Maybe explore into mainstream pop or sumthin'. And I'm working on lyrics writing techniques. Heh. Reading more books and watching more movies to get ideas. Speaking of which, I learnt sumthin' during the hols: the science of crying when watching a Hindustani movie. Haha.. Well I managed to catch someone red-handed, who did cried while watching this film on tv. Quite funny actually. Haha.. Oh well. I'll be working on those 3 songs. Maybe they might be hits on the radio. Heh. Keep wishing, Zakaria..
Note To Self:
hmmm..
i feel lighter now
but then,
there's a slight taste of regret too..
that meet last thursday wasn't supposed to be that way
i wasn't suppose to laugh or smile when i said those words
it's hard to be serious when you're all smiling
hmmm..
actually i've got a lot more to say to you
well maybe the situation wasn't right
some things just have to wait
or better still, left unsaid.
that text message i sent you might just be the clue
i just hope you like those raya cookies i made
heh..
they didn't quite turn out as planned
but yeah..
there's always the trash bin, friend..
"to let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
to let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization i can't control another.
to let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
to let go is to fear less and love more.."
reminisced;
- 2:47 AM
